New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
