You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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