Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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