Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
