yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Pants are for mortals
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
