we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
