My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
