Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
