Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
