he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
