Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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