i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
