She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
