dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
