It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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