I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
