Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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