I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Oh god it's open bar.
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