i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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