i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She's the barista slut.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
