All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
