What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
