I hate your face
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
