i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
