Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
