This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
