We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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