I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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