What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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