Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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