Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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