dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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