I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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