You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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