I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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