I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
