I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
