you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
