i think my mom watched the whole time
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
