so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
