So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
It's never too late to be topless.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
