id be glad to
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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