smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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