I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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