i was born a porn star she said
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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