you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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