After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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