I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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