I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Your cock deserves a montage
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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