You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
and eventually we just all took our pants off
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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